January 2020
Two years passed by, relatively quickly, in a sense.
Some major things happened along the way.
I ended up learning a great deal about how to pace myself in order to level out my energy levels. I spent some time down in Bethesda, Maryland, being a bit of a guinea pig for a research study—two trips—for people who struggle like I do. The experience was exhausting, but wonderful as I had the chance to meet some wonderful people and to contribute towards scientific research!
How cool is that?
Writing has continued to be a great therapy for my brain to keep it active, but it’s also been a great joy as well! I love writing and sharing my stories. I make nothing, financially, from it. I just love writing, creating, and sharing stories!
I still, however, could not come up with an adequate way to explain to people what I’m going through. For most, if they hear I’m tired, they think I can just take a nap and get on with things. Or… they think I can just do a scaled-down version of whatever they think I should do.
Or often, I think many people believe I just don’t want to do what they think I should do.
But, I do what I can, pushing myself as hard as I am capable, but careful not to go too far as the consequences are severe, sometimes resulting in days or weeks laying on the couch.
The challenge with what I call living with an “invisible injury” is that other people often struggle to understand my limitations.
They want to just say, “Push through it!”
I look healthy, I’m fairly strong, and my body seems to be in great shape and health, but the brain ain’t workin’ quite right.
And I have had to learn to set my own boundaries rather than listen to pressure from without.
There is a certain beauty found in accepting weakness. I think when we hate our weakness, our frailty, we see it as nothing other than a bad thing, something evil to fight and destroy.
But when we come to grips, in a world based on power and status and more, that it’s okay to settle down and be weak… to accept a path of being “less” than others expect, there’s a peace and beauty in that, and that’s a peace and beauty I love.
I think, if I can share a little of an example of Jesus, there was a beautiful point at the end of his time here where he made himself small… less… weak. He and his followers were all in a room together, celebrating the Jewish Passover, and he strips down, wraps a towel around his waist, and washes his follower’s feet.
Here, God in the flesh, loves us so much that he came among us and then he became a servant who washes stinky feet? What???
I love that humility, and I love that about Jesus.
He then allowed himself to be even weaker as he moved towards the cross.
I love that about Jesus, and I think I want to be okay with being weak. I think I want to be humble like that.
